Our shul is a no-phone zone. I don't give a damn what you do from sundown on Friday to dark on Saturday - I mean, I'd prefer that you were happy, warm, and well-fed, but you know what I mean - use your phone if you like, but don't use it in my shul, the one that says TURN OFF ALL PHONES AND BEEPERS on the door.

If your phone does go off, it will offend me, firstly because my Shabbat is a phone-free space and I am not expecting that to be violated in my shul, and secondly because you are obviously disregarding my community's request, which is rude. However, I understand that everyone makes mistakes sometimes. Therefore, if you silence it immediately and have the grace to look embarrassed, and then leave and turn it off outside, I will forgive you. You can come back in when you've turned it off.

However.

If your phone rings, what you do not do is dig it out of your pocket, look at it, take it still ringing out of the sanctuary, and answer it in the foyer. You do not. I do not need to hear your ringtone all the time it takes you (ring ring) to get out of your pew (ring ring), go up the (ring ring) aisle (ring ring), pass along (ring ring) the back (ring ring), and go through (ring ring) into the foyer. I do not need to sigh in relief when the noise stops, only to hear you explaining very loudly to your phone that you are in synagogue right now. I am not so inclined to forgive this.

It disturbs my prayer space when I am thinking how much I would like to drop you into a vat of crocodiles. It's really hard to feel holy when I'm wondering if I could cram your phone down your throat. I don't like thinking about toilets in shul, but I have to when I'm thinking how nice it would be to flush your phone away into the sewers.

Plus it's inconvenient to have to bring crocodiles to shul. So just turn the phones off before you get here, 'kay? Thanks so much.
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